I’m no different than other parents. I am absolutely crazy about my boys and think they are truly exceptional kids. I really can’t say enough about my 5- year old, Jude, and I’m sure my bragging borders on obnoxious sometimes, but I can hardly help myself.
From the day he was born, Jude was the love of my life (sorry, Andy). He has always been a Momma’s boy. My little shadow. I have poured so much energy into him, putting his needs above my own, loving him, entertaining him and teaching him.
With so much attention from me and others, he has developed some amazing talents over the years. At about a year old, Jude showed affinity for letters of the alphabet. By a year and a half or so, he knew his alphabet, the vowels and the purpose of vowels (the glue that holds the words together) and he began spelling words. By age 2, he was reading. By age 3-1/2 he was riding a bike without training wheels and showing off his amazing memory by memorizing all the U.S. states and U.S. Presidents.  He is homeschooled and watches most of his t.v. in German and got so good that we decided to also introduce him to French, which he is picking up quickly.
Although he is exceptionally bright, Jude is a typical boy. His favorite things to do with me are playing chase (he likes to chase me while I’m carrying Asher); wrestling; playing pow with foam swords or light sabers; biking; playing outside with his neighbor friends; and baking (and sampling our creations while they are in the works). He also loves walking to the library and getting lots of new stories to read about Transformers, Ben 10 (his favorite super hero), Scooby Doo, Marvel super heros, Amelia Bedelia and all the funny Mr. and Little Miss stories. He enjoys playing computer games, video games on the XBox or Wii, playing Andoird tablet and iPad apps and watching cartoons in German and French.  He also enjoys watching Andy fix stuff around the house.
Although he is all boy, Jude is such a sweet boy and loves to snuggle.  He tells me that he loves me probably 10 times a day. He likes to say, “I love Mommy, Daddy, Levi, Asher.” He is such a great big brother to Levi and Asher. For years now, I have told Jude, “I love you to the moon and back, times infinity, to the power of infinity.” He started responding when he was 2-1/2, “I love you up to God and back down, to the power of infinities.” Then when he was 3 he told me that he loves me more than I love him since “up to God and back down” is more than “to the moon and back.”
Since he was always such an fun, active boy, we were just shocked when we learned when Jude was 3-1/2 years old that he had brain cancer. The Grade 2 ependymoma tumor was diagnosed after a scary seizure episode that had us arriving at Children’s Hospital by ambulance. I remember him laying unresponsive on the table in the ER, the face of the guy standing over him pumping the turquoise-colored bag to help Jude breathe and them cutting off his cute, “Daddy’s Co-Pilot shirt.” I remember the face of the ER doctor who gave us the bad news that the CT scan revealed something troubling. But, I also remember how God kept us strong during that terrible week and that Jude was back to his Jumping Jude self in days and was released directly from the ICU at the hospital after jumping from the couches and riding cars Flinestones’ style down the hallway of the ICU. We were so thankful that the neurosurgeon was able to do a full resection of the tumor and that Jude appeared to suffer no side effects from the brain surgery.
At a recent triannual MRI, a year and a half after the first tumor was removed, we got the bad news that the spot that they were watching for the past year and were hoping was just scar tissue had grown by 1 mm x 2mm x 3mm in the past 4 months. Scar tissue shouldn’t be growing after 1-1/2 years so we can only assume it is tumor.
It is so troubling knowing that Jude hasn’t beat this cancer yet. I want this thing to go away and for good. I have enough to worry about, knowing that this type of cancer can pop up as much as 20 years after it last appeared. I want that 20 year clock to start ticking and then maybe I can stop worrying about him when he’s 25, although somehow I know I never will stop worrying about him.
Overall, I feel like Jude will survive. But, maybe selfishly, I want him to thrive. I don’t want them radiating his genius brain. I don’t want him to risk suffering vision loss, hearing loss, cognitive impairment or secondary cancer as a result of the proton radiation treatment that they want him to undergo. I want them to do a full resection, for the tumor to be Grade 2 and not the more aggressive Grade 3 and hope the 2nd time is the charm. I want to get comfortable that it is in Jude’s best interest to undergo only the resection and not the standard proton radiation treatment (unless this thing comes back a 3rd time).
Although I’m doing a lot of thinking and worrying, Jude is unaware of most of it. He knows he has a head owie called a brain tumor, but he doesn’t think it is a very big deal, which is the way I want it. Jude is also aware of the power of God to heal people and is very curious about spiritual matters. He loves learning bible stories and his favorite activity over the past year was attending Armor Bearers bible memory club at church. He loves talking about God and telling me, “tell me more about heaven.” As wonderful as Jude is, he’s not, of course, perfect. He doesn’t always obey his parents (a violation of the 5th commandment, we tell him) and often covets toys or candy (a violation of the 10th commandment). We talk to Jude about God, Satan, heaven, and hell. We talk about how we’ve all sinned and we talk about his sin. We tell him that because people aren’t perfect and have all sinned, and God is a just God, we deserve to go to hell. A good analogy is that if someone commits some horrible crime, like murder, the judge would be unjust if he set him free. God would be an unjust judge if let us get into heaven in spite of our sin. Although we deserve to go to hell, that’s not God’s will. God wants all people to be saved and spend eternity with him in heaven. That’s why God made a way for us to get into heaven in spite of our sinful nature. He sent Jesus, who is God incarnate to be born and to live a perfect life as a man on earth. Jesus never sinned. When Jesus died on the cross, a great exchange took place — Jesus’ righteous was imputed to us and our wickedness was imputed to him. I have told Jude that this is a “good deal” and that we should “take the deal” — we did the crime, but Jesus paid the fine. I like to tell Jude that there are two ways to get into heaven: (1) be perfect (and he knows he is not since he knows he has sinned); or (2) repent and trust in Jesus alone for forgiveness. I tell Jude repentance means that we have to say sorry to God for our sins and try not to do them again. I tell Jude that trusting in Jesus alone for forgiveness means that we can’t bribe our way into heaven by bringing God a plate of cookies or telling God that we were better than the next guy (since perfection, not goodness, is the standard). It is comforting to know that my precious little boy is in God’s hands, which is certainly a great place to be.