Andy sent me the following email forward on March 3, 2004. Some of it may be inappropriate for younger readers. I think the list works better if you assume that the guy and girl are married. The list is meant as a joke and I think it is pretty funny.
- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably finished, and to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
- If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
- Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
- If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
- When i am on the phone to my pals, I usually talk about important stuff, and I’m finished talking quickly. I don’t phone someone and talk for hours about stuff I could’ve said when I saw them in person earlier.
- “Housework” is not a word I like, and actually doing any of it, I like even less. So this is a non starter, don’t even think of suggesting this to me.
- If you are cooking a special dinner for me, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
- Don’t make me hold your purse in the mall.
- The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
- 19. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
- Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
- Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
- I heard you the first time.
- If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
- Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
- If I have to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Animal House”.
- “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
- Do not question my innate navigational abilities by suggesting I stop for directions.
- I was NOT looking at that other girl.
- I am the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
- Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
- If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
- It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with me.
- Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
- Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves are better looking than me. But since neither one of us are going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
- Of course size matters, and boy do I have the grandaddy of them all.
- Don’t hog the covers.
- Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
- I do not just want to be friends.
Posted: Friday, July 23, 2004