My little baby Titus was born on January 30, 2009 at about 12:40 p.m. I would be rejoicing except that my little baby was born dead.
God created little baby Titus on about December 4, 2008. I learned I was pregnant with him just 2 days after Christmas. I was so thrilled since I had been trying to get pregnant for months. The pregnancy appeared to be right on track. I was sick, just like I was with Jude. I went to the doctor when I was considered 8 weeks along and they confirmed pregnancy. I would later find out that my baby had already died.
When I was considered 9 weeks along, I began bleeding. I was so worried. The ultrasound technician told me on a Monday that it didn’t look good and that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. The baby was 1.5 centimeters long and was measuring 2 weeks smaller than he should have been measuring, making them estimate that baby Titus had died when he was about 7 weeks and 4 days old (meaning after having grown for about 5 weeks and 4 days since the medical field always adds two weeks to the actual gestation period).
The doctor recommended a surgery called dilation and curettage (D&C) to remove the baby and placenta from my body. I asked him how sure he was that the baby was dead. He said he was 99.99% sure the baby was dead. I said I would never agree to have the baby taken out of me until I was 100% sure that the baby was dead. I went in two days later for further testing (including blood work) to confirm the baby was dead. I could tell the baby was starting to break down (decompose) a bit since he looked less defined on the ultrasound than he did just 2 days earlier.
I had to decide between natural delivery or the D&C surgery. The doctor told me that no one does the delivery option anymore since involves real labor. When I asked him if the baby would look like a baby, he said that the baby would instead look like a blob of tissue. There were also issues about whether I would be able to get my baby back from pathology after the D&C without involving a funeral home.
I had a bad feeling about the D&C, but reluctantly scheduled it after a doctor agreed to do it on the following Saturday so I wouldn’t have to miss work. By the next day, I cancelled the D&C after hearing from my sister’s friend who faced the same decision as me 2 times and chose the delivery option.
My mid-day on Friday (of the same week in which I learned my baby was dead), I was in full labor, although I didn’t really know it. I knew I was aching, crampy and in enough pain that I could no longer concentrate on my work. I didn’t know the imminency of the birth. I was in the bathroom at work when little Titus came out. I knew it was him right away. His dark black eyes were peering out at me through the transparent amniotic sac. I held him in my cupped hand and waited for some nice, anonymous co-worker to get me a cup from the kitchenette. I was sad. He really was dead.
By this time, Andy had shown up and I was on my way home. I put the cup that contained Titus’ body on the bathroom counter while trying to decide what to do with him. I knew I wanted to see him. I knew I wanted to hold him. I knew I wanted to kiss him. I tried to talk Andy into cleaning Titus up, but he didn’t have it in him.
I’m not sure how I did it, but I got a knife and separated Titus from the placenta and threw the placenta away. I then got a pin and popped a hole in the amniotic sac to drain the fluid. I then carefully peeled the amniotic sac off my little baby. I cleaned him off with an aspirator filled with water. After he was all cleaned off, I held him in the palm of my hand and cried. My little baby. So small and delicate. After having grown for only 5 weeks and 4 days, he was 1.5 centimeters long. He had a little (but large) head, piercing black eyes, a soft body with 2 arms and 2 legs. There was no denying that he was a baby, not a blob. I then carefully placed him in a wooden box that came with my wedding ring. I said good-bye and shut the box. We’ll have him buried as soon as we can on my parents’ land.
We told Jude that the baby wasn’t going to come live with us and that he was instead living in heaven with Jesus. Andy likes to say that Titus is saving a spot for us in heaven. I look forward to meeting my baby someday and hearing him call me Mommy.
I’m not sure why God created this beautiful child and then took him away from me so quickly. Maybe it is so I can share my story – that I gave birth to a 5 week and 4 day old baby, who was a baby and not a blob.
Sunday was a day at sea, chuggin’ our way toward the Dominican Republic. We sailed right down the north coast of Cuba, and could often times see it off the right side of the ship. This was a day to explore the ship and take advantage of what they had to offer. There was a kids center that we had hoped to take advantage of for Jude, but they required that kids be at least 2 and potty trained. Since Jude was neither, we didn’t get to use it. Interestingly, they didn’t allow parents in there, so we probably wouldn’t have used it anyway since Jessica cherishes her time with Jude and wouldn’t part with him anyway. They did have a sort-of program for those under two. They called it “under two zoo.” It was basically a bunch of toys set aside in a conference room and a door left open for those interested. Jessica liked it, I preferred finding a good place on the ship to let Jude run free, the promenade and the pool deck were good places. They also had a kids pool area complete with water slides. Signs stated that only potty-trained children were allowed, but they seemed to turn a blind-eye to smaller kids so we took advantage. Jude loved it, and even enjoyed doing the water slides himself – with no assistance from us.
In Samana, we didn’t know what to do on our own, so we broke with our standard procedures and booked an excursion with the ship. We went on a boat tour of mangrove forests and some interesting caves (which you get out of the boat to see), followed by some time at the beach on a private island owned by a hotel. Jessica really hoped to catch a glimps of some sea lions, as they had a program (we didn’t want to pay for) with sea lions. Funny enough, while she was off looking for a restroom, a couple people walked up the beach with a sea lion following along. She missed it and they never returned. Another funny thing was that as the boat was heading toward the island after the tour, we hit rain. We stopped long enough for them to pass out rain coats, and then carried on. Shortly after the rain coats were all on, and we resumed the trip, the rain stopped.
The walk itself was reasonable, but the sidewalk ended and the road narrowed, making the last leg a bit scary. Once we got there, we had to wait around for our time to start, as we were about 80 minutes early. That was alright though, as the dolphins were fun to watch, and there were a few people from the ship we got to meet and chat with. Once our time came, things got rough though. They had us waiting a while for the program to start. Jessica was not happy, and her snottiness started to show. She said to me, intentionally loud enough for them to hear, that she was ready to ask for a refund and leave. Once it started, all was well though. We had booked the cheapest program available, since Jude was with and wasn’t allowed to do the things available in more expensive packages. What we paid for was to kiss the dolphin, pet it, dance with it a little, and have an interesting show. The next package up involved a swim, where the dolphin pulls you along. We found out once we got going that people with different packages were mixed together, and we could have easily done the swim. Each of us would hold Jude while the other swam. I said to Jessica, “We should have done that.” The lady that was directing us when out of the water (and filming the program) must have heard me say it because she whispered something to the trainer, who turned and asked if I’d like to do the swim. I jumped at it! In the end, it was a lot of fun. We didn’t brave the narrow roads back though. Another couple in our group was also on the cruise with us so we split a cab back to the ship. Once we were back, we had a quick lunch, gave Jude some time for a short nap, and headed out to look at souvenirs at the little flea market set up near the ship. Jude had fun there because there are a lot of wild chickens on Tortola, and he thought that chasing them was the thing to do!
Then we headed to “Blackbeard’s Castle”, an old Dutch fortress (more of a tower) breifly under the control of the pirate. We took a cab there, and walked through the whole area, which had more to see than we cared to take time to check out, including many colonial era homes and buildings. Part of the attraction is the “99 steps” also, which lead down from the fortress. Once at the bottom of the hill, we were in downtown Charlotte Amalie, capital of the U.S. Virgin Islands. We didn’t stick around long, but walked about a mile back to the ship for lunch and another nap for Jude, before heading to Magen’s Bay. Magen’s is touted as one of National Geographic’s top 10 beaches in the world. I liked it. It was beautiful, though crowded, and the waters were nice. After just a couple hours we opted to head back to the ship though, and it was a good thing we did. We left plenty of time to get back, or so we thought. We were supposed to be back by 4:30 and it was a little after 3:00. Traffic was bad though, and we ended up jumping out of the cab (more of a tour bus), paying the driver, and walking the last half mile. We got aboard the ship right at 4:30. Then we decided to head straight for the promenade so we could watch the stragglers and see how late they allowed people to be. It wasn’t until about 5:05 when the last gang-plank was lifted and the doors closed.