My little baby Titus was born on January 30, 2009 at about 12:40 p.m. I would be rejoicing except that my little baby was born dead.
God created little baby Titus on about December 4, 2008. I learned I was pregnant with him just 2 days after Christmas. I was so thrilled since I had been trying to get pregnant for months. The pregnancy appeared to be right on track. I was sick, just like I was with Jude. I went to the doctor when I was considered 8 weeks along and they confirmed pregnancy. I would later find out that my baby had already died.
When I was considered 9 weeks along, I began bleeding. I was so worried. The ultrasound technician told me on a Monday that it didn’t look good and that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. The baby was 1.5 centimeters long and was measuring 2 weeks smaller than he should have been measuring, making them estimate that baby Titus had died when he was about 7 weeks and 4 days old (meaning after having grown for about 5 weeks and 4 days since the medical field always adds two weeks to the actual gestation period).
The doctor recommended a surgery called dilation and curettage (D&C) to remove the baby and placenta from my body. I asked him how sure he was that the baby was dead. He said he was 99.99% sure the baby was dead. I said I would never agree to have the baby taken out of me until I was 100% sure that the baby was dead. I went in two days later for further testing (including blood work) to confirm the baby was dead. I could tell the baby was starting to break down (decompose) a bit since he looked less defined on the ultrasound than he did just 2 days earlier.
I had to decide between natural delivery or the D&C surgery. The doctor told me that no one does the delivery option anymore since involves real labor. When I asked him if the baby would look like a baby, he said that the baby would instead look like a blob of tissue. There were also issues about whether I would be able to get my baby back from pathology after the D&C without involving a funeral home.
I had a bad feeling about the D&C, but reluctantly scheduled it after a doctor agreed to do it on the following Saturday so I wouldn’t have to miss work. By the next day, I cancelled the D&C after hearing from my sister’s friend who faced the same decision as me 2 times and chose the delivery option.
My mid-day on Friday (of the same week in which I learned my baby was dead), I was in full labor, although I didn’t really know it. I knew I was aching, crampy and in enough pain that I could no longer concentrate on my work. I didn’t know the imminency of the birth. I was in the bathroom at work when little Titus came out. I knew it was him right away. His dark black eyes were peering out at me through the transparent amniotic sac. I held him in my cupped hand and waited for some nice, anonymous co-worker to get me a cup from the kitchenette. I was sad. He really was dead.
By this time, Andy had shown up and I was on my way home. I put the cup that contained Titus’ body on the bathroom counter while trying to decide what to do with him. I knew I wanted to see him. I knew I wanted to hold him. I knew I wanted to kiss him. I tried to talk Andy into cleaning Titus up, but he didn’t have it in him.
I’m not sure how I did it, but I got a knife and separated Titus from the placenta and threw the placenta away. I then got a pin and popped a hole in the amniotic sac to drain the fluid. I then carefully peeled the amniotic sac off my little baby. I cleaned him off with an aspirator filled with water. After he was all cleaned off, I held him in the palm of my hand and cried. My little baby. So small and delicate. After having grown for only 5 weeks and 4 days, he was 1.5 centimeters long. He had a little (but large) head, piercing black eyes, a soft body with 2 arms and 2 legs. There was no denying that he was a baby, not a blob. I then carefully placed him in a wooden box that came with my wedding ring. I said good-bye and shut the box. We’ll have him buried as soon as we can on my parents’ land.
We told Jude that the baby wasn’t going to come live with us and that he was instead living in heaven with Jesus. Andy likes to say that Titus is saving a spot for us in heaven. I look forward to meeting my baby someday and hearing him call me Mommy.
I’m not sure why God created this beautiful child and then took him away from me so quickly. Maybe it is so I can share my story – that I gave birth to a 5 week and 4 day old baby, who was a baby and not a blob.
